That defeating feeling you get when you realize your medication is no longer working. That feeling that changes you from being sad to sadder forcing you to face the reality that “I’m about to go down this confusing, scary and unknown road one more time”. How will we ever get our feet on solid ground and is it possible. We’re feeling defeat one more time in a life with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Once again our hopes that this medication will be the one that will somehow make life just a little bit easier are dashed and the truth slowly sinks in. It fades away little by little and we are forced to face the unmistakable feeling of the pains that are edging their way back into our joints more frequently and rapidly. Those oh so familiar aches that may have been less frequent are now back with a vengeance. So how do we wrap our minds around this roller coaster ride of uncertainty that always lurks after us. The sadness we feel when we are thrown back into our vicious one on one fight with Rheumatoid Arthritis. A fight for us that is never-ending.
I say one on one because we have to deal with this revelation alone before we’re able to let someone else know “my medication is no longer working anymore”. The story we have so often told before. We have to deal with our internal pain to try get ourselves together in an attempt to come to terms with this fact. We need to focus on handling the hurt, the pain, the anger and HATE we have for this disease to be able to face our new journey that’s ahead for us. No one can fathom the depths of what it’s like to go for a while believing your DMARDS or Biologics are working or at least doing part of what they’re suppose to do then to have to face that awful day when that is no longer true. Yes, we will always have pain but we pretty much can tell by our joints what is happening or at least we know if it is something different than what has become our norm. We try to know the difference in whether it is a flare or if we’re overworked but realizing the pain we’re feeling isn’t these is agonizing for us. Having to accept that we have to try something new causes us more despair than we can put into words. It is already a struggle with medication anyway but the continued struggle of trying to get it it right can be devastating.
We feel defeated because we’ve lost the fight with one more medication so we now have to be strong for the challenges of something new. How many times do we have to go through this is always on our minds and this is something that we will never know. This whole process leaves us worn mentally as we try to pull ourselves together to start this new journey on an unknown path. But what we have learned about Rheumatoid Arthritis, it is truly unknown and how to fix it is just as unknown. We are at its mercy but we will keep going in spite of our setbacks. The pain we feel is a reminder that we are just a medication away from starting all over again.