This blog is your words spoken:
Through this disease I have learned my weaknesses, my strengths and resolve to fight it with all that I have. It has brought me down, worn me out, worked on my mind but through it all, I still fight. If only I could turn back the hands of time and bypass this disease, I know my life would be different so I would not wish this on anyone. But as it stands, my life is one that is now being influenced by Rheumatoid Arthritis, a misunderstood auto immune disease. So live it I must because it is what I have to do.
If only I could take away my daily pain I would gladly do so. I would be so happy to experience my life once again where it is not directed by something that has now taken control over my daily steps. A disease that’s given me a new look at a life that I now refer to as my norm.
If only I could just close my eyes, relax and enjoy sleep the way it’s meant to be, I would surely waste no time taking advantage of something that has now become foreign to me. Now when I close my eyes, it’s definitely for Prayer but also because I’m squeezing back tears of frustration and hurt or because I’m flinching in pain.
If only I could clear my mind and feel my disease and medication isn’t getting the best of me. My mind sometimes play tricks on me, leaving me to wonder “is this how it’s always going to be”, foggy. Realizing the very thing I use to fight for me (medication) is fighting against me in ways that I don’t even know. The fog that it leaves behind that confuses me is something I have surely come to hate.
If only I could know my medication is going to fight my battle against this disease, I would feel I’m in a better place. Changing medication over and over again has taken a toll on me. Fighting to get better has become as bigger fight as the disease that I’m in war against, a fight like no other. Being reminded of what my medication can and may do, makes my journey just a little bit harder.
If only I could share my emotions and still not feel so alone, I would be more at peace. When my mind and heart cries out, I would love to have someone who will just hear me and not judge me. I need people in my life who will catch me if I fall from my emotional roller coaster.
If only I could put guilt away and block it from my mind, that would be a big part of my battle. I know and understand that guilt is an ugly effect that RA spreads through and around me. Knowing that I am not responsible for what we have to endure should give me comfort but guilt is a strong force. Guilt crowds me even when I’m covered in love.
If only I could once again do the things that have now been taken away from me, I would embrace it with all that I have. This disease has changed my walk, my trot, the way that I stand and my strength. All of the things that many never even think about. Doing what I love most is what I’m missing most and this is the reality that I live.
If only I could get you to look at me and see beyond a face or body that may look just fine and see the pain and fatigue that’s right there below the surface, then I would know you understand my reality. Though I may smile and look happy, below the surface lays my truth. The truth that I am a person who has an ugly, painful and cruel disease that may be fooling you but is wearing me out.
If only I could get you to see that my disease is one that runs deep. It is in my joints and my organs which is what you just don’t seem to understand. Though I tell you, the words just don’t make the impact that I expect them too. Speaking to you sometimes seems fruitless, therefore forcing me to compare my disease to another (Lupus) in order to get a little of the understanding that I deserve. That in itself is a pity. My disease stands alone.
I will tell you, Rheumatoid Arthritis is a complex, frustrating and debilitating disease. It is one that turns life as I knew it to one that I’m learning to live day by day. It keeps me off-balance, guilt ridden, wound in uncertainty and yearning for my old self. A life that I will never, ever get use too but have to live with.
photo credit: barbaraalane/pixabay.com