My pain never ends, my body is broken down and my mind is working overtime, all from having Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I am so worn out from just being worn out.  This is a lonely disease that we so often face alone!! The bumpy road of having this chronic disease.  This blog is for each and every one of us suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis. The “I” is for you because I know how you feel!

I am so worn out from worrying so much
I am so worn out from wondering what is next for me
I am so worn out from the pain that I’m constantly in
I am so worn out from the fatigue that I can’t seem to shake
I am so worn out from the medication that adds to my pain and suffering
I am so worn out from trying to carry the load of others
I am so worn out from trying to make others understand;

Yes I am tired of dealing with a disease that always make me fight never letting me find the peace and rest that I need.  I still have to go on because that is what I must do but some days I have no choice but to give in to Rheumatoid Arthritis.  The struggle is tough and sometimes I feel I have lost the battle so I lay down and do the best I can to cope with its fury.  Yet laying down does not ease the pain, medication does not work so I’m left to suffer until by chance I’m given a little break which is rare.  This is what it’s like to be worn out, worn down and left at the mercy of a disease that is very hard to control.  I wish each and every day that I could get some peace for my body and mind even if it’s temporary. But for me, I have come to accept that Rheumatoid Arthritis and Peace does not go together.  My body doesn’t know it and my mind can’t comprehend it because living with my chronic disease is what my body knows best.

Will I ever find peace from my pain and suffering
Will I ever find peace from the emotional turmoil this disease piles on me
Will I ever find peace in a life so full of changes
Will I ever find peace from the guilt of having this disease
Will I ever find peace from what I cannot control;

Still I yearn for ways of coping with having Rheumatoid Arthritis and I am constantly on guard, afraid of what can or may happen next.  I do worry about myself, my family and our lives together as I take on this difficult battle.  I often sit and wonder, how can I possibly be the person whose life has been turned upside down by a disease that I knew so little about but has learned it is one that leaves so much damage in its wake.  I Am the carrier of a disease that is known to be devastating and I know it truly is.  As I am trying to cope with the many facets of it, I find myself feeling lost, isolated and so misunderstood because what it does to a person, many can’t see it or don’t believe it.  This is why I yearn so often for those things that seems out of my reach.

I yearn for acceptance that this is not my fault
I yearn for the understanding I so desperately need

I yearn for support from those in my life
I yearn for relief for my body and mind
I yearn for ways to cope with this dreadful disease
I yearn for a cure for us all;

Through all that I go through, I often find that I am alone in my fight.  Sometimes I feel more isolated than my words can tell you.  This disease has set me apart from those who should be by my side.  It is so sad because I find myself seeking comfort and understanding in my own mind because others seem to have a problem accepting all that has changed since RA has entered my life.  It is a tragedy when I have to talk to myself about my pain, my expectations, my needs, my wishes, my emotions, my hurt, the loneliness and this disease and how I wish I didn’t have to talk to myself at all.  To some that may sound strange but without support, I am all that I have.

Can’t you see, I feel so alone
Can’t you see, being alone is a sad place for me to be
Can’t you see, I need more than myself in this fight
Can’t you see, being isolated means Rheumatoid Arthritis is winning
Can’t you see, the fight is Ours not just mine to win;

So you see, being worn out, hoping for peace, isolation and yearning for what this disease won’t allow us to do or to have are tragedies of my chronic life changing disease.  This is Rheumatoid Arthritis As I know It.

Be Blessed.

photo credit: johnhain/